Funny Stuff -

Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

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Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

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Demetri Martin: I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'

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Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

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Demetri Martin: 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

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Demetri Martin: I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

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Demetri Martin: I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

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Demetri Martin: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!.'

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Demetri Martin: My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

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Demetri Martin: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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Demetri Martin: One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

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Demetri Martin: Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

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Demetri Martin: I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

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Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

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Demetri Martin: Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.